Just from the title I’m sure you can figure out what I’m about to talk about.  No it’s not the working title to the critically anticipated “Scrubs” movie where Dr. Cox walks around with an imaginary stick up his ass and J.D. does everything he can to remove it… and then successfully does so with his teeth.  Damn I just spoiled the best movie ever.  Anyway, back to reality…  I’d like to vent about the phenomenon called “Med Student Stick-in-Ass Syndrome,” you know, the disease predisposed to medical students.  The disease spreads like wildfire and without warning.  It’s harmful in the sense that everybody wants to kick your ass.  I hope I don’t have it, but I have been told (on more than one occasion) that I have a mild form of Stick-in-Ass syndrome.  Sadly, it literally sticks with you until the day you die.  Morbid isn’t it?    

Besides from making you look like a jackass to the rest of the world, Stick-in-Ass syndrome does help with posture.  But the harm definitely outweighs the benefits.  There are 3 documented forms of the syndrome.  You can have full blown stick-in-ass syndrome where the person actually thinks that he or she is GOD and his or her opinions OR answers to exam questions are ALWAYS right – hence why they walk around with their nose and chins pointed towards the sky to give the illusion that they’re above everybody else.  If you see one of these people around, feel free to chuck a rock at their face.  They won’t know it’s coming because well they’re busy looking at the sky.  This form of Stick-in-Ass syndrome is the most contagious and it can be spread either sexually, skin-to-skin contact, or through the air.  It’s like herpes… but much MUCH worse. 

Type II Stick-in-Ass syndrome consists of these specific criteria… a blood test may be required but not necessary.  A. The person uses big words to trip you up during conversation.  I’m pretty sure they’re talking out of their ass half the time – which gets pretty difficult when you have a stick lodged up there.  But they manage to find a way.  B.  Is friends with a law student.  Let’s face it, all law students wish they were like us medical students.  That’s why they try to sue us every chance they get when we’re doctors.  However, that doesn’t stop them from doing everything they can to be just like us – they will even go as far as trying to catch our Stick-in-Ass disease.  So if you see a law student clinging to a med student – stay away because the Stick-in-Ass force field around them is too strong and you’ll most likely be sucked in and spit out if you get too close. C. Ability to judge you with their eyes.  Well we’ve all heard the term, “smiling with your eyes,” made popular by the world renowned supermodel Tyra Banks, but few possess the ability to judge you with a blink, a ticker, or in some cases a twitch of the left eye.  Criterion C is the one most likely to be overlooked and often misdiagnosed for a bad case of the crazies.  Don’t be fooled when they make eye contact with you during a practice OSCE.  It’s not about building rapport or looking interested in what you have to say.  It’s about looking deep into your soul and taking whatever dignity you have left. 

Type III is known as Silent Stick-in-Ass Syndrome.   It is an autosomal recessive disease.  Type III is more common than you think and it just so happens that it poses the most threat to society.  These people look normal on the outside but on the inside they are wired to think that they are better than everybody else.  The difference between Type I and III is that in Type III these freaks don’t voice their opinions out loud… because if they did they will surely be shot.  Thus, they bottle it in until one day they burst into flames killing everybody within a 10 km radius.  Type III people are also careless and periodically you will notice them slip up.  It might be as subtle as raising one eyebrow and tilting his or her head 5 degrees to the left indicating that your opinion is worthless or something a little more overt like “fake-laughing” at something you deemed funny.  At one point or another we’ve all been a victim of fake-laughter… and it hurts.

So what type are you?  I think most of my classmates fall under Type I.  Thus, rocks need to be thrown immediately to quickly bring them down to reality.  Remember that you can have overlap between types and that mild form of each type exists.  In the unfortunate event that you were born with all 3 types – it looks like that stick is staying in there for good.