Way back when I was applying to medical school I use to sit around mapping out ridiculous back-up plans just in case I was rejected from every single school I applied to. Man it seems so long ago. This was my back-up plan at the time. I wrote this a year ago and it’s definitely worth mentioning again.
Top 5 Things You Could Do If Medical School Doesn’t Work Out
Lately I’ve been getting hassled by a lot of people armed with questions like, “What are you going to do if you don’t get in?” “What’s your back-up plan?” “I didn’t know you wanted to be a doctor, really? Why?” “Son, when are you going to move out?” and “When are you going to get off your ass and find a real job?” The latter two are obviously from my loving parents. To address these sort of “what if questions,” I’ve compiled a list titled, “Top 5 Things You Could do if Medical School Doesn’t Work Out.”
1. After months of sulking to yourself and shedding a few tears while curled up in a ball in the dark back corner of your room, you’ve finally accepted the fact that the rejection letter you have in your hand is real. You cry some more after realizing that the only thing you’re qualified to do with your undergrad degree is become a janitorial engineer. So you find a job scrubbing toilettes and share deep conversations at lunch with a moderately obese man named Lou.
2. You can become a prostitute. Before you start giving me those “judging eyes,” hear me out. The income potential in the long run could be just as much or even more than a doctor if you were a prostitute. Instead of getting pimped out by the medicare system you’d be getting pimped out by a guy wearing a long faux-fur coat with a matching medallion necklace that accentuates his brilliant gold teeth. Damn I wish I had his dentist!
3. You try applying to every single type of professional school because your ego just took a huge blow and you don’t want to feel like a total loser ever again. You start with veterinary school and work your way down to pharmacy. After a year of hoping to just get into any school, you finally get into ONE and you spend the rest of your life trying to convince yourself that being a pharmacist is just as fulfilling as being a doctor. At this point, your mind doesn’t realize that you’re lying to it anymore.
4. You travel to a far off land where nobody knows your name, I suggest Texas, because after months of hearing, “O you’re going to get in,” “You’re, so smart!” “Medical schools are crazy if they don’t accept you,” “Stop worrying!” you don’t want to have to face these lying bastards (your friends) after you get rejected. It’s like they knew before you even told them. You can just see them smirking on the inside. The good news is that you can reinvent yourself, but don’t get too carried away because your next destination could be at a psychiatric ward.
5. You get knocked up, or you knock somebody up. In any case, you’ll have somebody there to bitch and moan to. Then you wait for him to grow up and force your dreams on him. He grows up resenting you and in the end, all you’re left with is a measly pharmacy degree and permanent puffy eyes because ‘til this day you’re still crying about it. Wait… having a baby doesn’t solve anything, well unless you’re trying to trick somebody into marrying you – I’m afraid I’ve shared too much.